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| ARAB DINNER PARTIES
(When they come I leave!)
1. Ok now I don’t know if you notice this but every family that comes to dinner at my house always brings the same damn dessert, it’s like this white cake with all this damn Icing and then there’s all these fruits on it!! Every time Man!! Or its some kind of Cake with fruits, then there’s people who bring flowers I mean come on why flowers you can’t eat flowers you cheap bastards haahahahah!
2. Then theres that one guy whose so god damn loud!! Like when he tells a story he has to turn up the volume like 10 times louder and when he laughs you have to make sure you hold on to something cause hes so damn loud. I swear that man comes over so many times in different forms and like I shut my door and turn up the music but yet I still here him. One time I was in Egypt and my family was here in America and I heard that guy! That shit woke me up in the middle of the night over there!!
3. Then theres that one person who tells the most bullshit stories that everyone knows is not true! And this person also is the one who claims that they heard such and such in the news or they think they know it all but they have no idea of what the hell they are talking about! This one guy convinced all of us that Oranges in Florida, was the reason President Bush won the elections! Or putting Cream Cheese on your arms keeps Mosquitoes off you, and it makes your skin smoother, unfortunately I learned the hard way. And when you ask him or her where they got that info they always say this, oohhhhh I read it somewhere or heard it on the news hahaahhaha! DISNEY CHANNEL NEWS DOES NOT COUNT AS A RELIABLE SOURCE!!!
4. What about that one person who thinks your house is there house and they can go anywhere and do anything!! I swear one person just came in my room and woke me up I was like what the helllllll hahahah then they took MY TOWEL AND TOOK A SHOWER! One guy had the nerve to ask where I kept my boxers!! I mean I know you have to treat you guests right but there is limits! Random people just walkin around your house get on your computer download some crazy arabic music, come to my room and turn off my Ps2 and start watching tv.
5. This one goes out to all my lady friends hahahah Now with Guests comes some unexpected guests that you might not be expecting. Ladies listen carefully when you reach that age 17 and up be prepared to meet some guys that want your hand for marriage now let me give you some warnings. Cause your mom or relatives are gonna try to sneak some in there. If the guests come and One of them has a thick moustache and a black leather jacket and puffy hair and tight jeans hahahaah hes coming for 2 reasons: Free Food and a Wife! If everyone is dressed casually and then a guy comes in a suit or tuxedo hes comin for your hand in marriage, If he comes in with so much cologne that you can smell it from a mile away hes comin for your hand, And if his mom, dad, brothers, sisters, aunt from Egypt, uncles step sister from London, the mailman, a guy with hair on his feet and ears!, a random guy from Asia, his boss from work, the crazy dancer from arab weddings and the guy who sells lemons in Egypt then he is DEFINITELY COMIN FOR YOUR HAND!...........................................
TO READ THE REST PLEASE GO TO MY NEW SITE WHERE YOU CAN READ ALL MY NEW POSTS AND ALL MY OLD ONES SPREAD THE WORD IM TRYIN TO MAKE SOME MONEY
WWW.KIMOSPEAKS.COM
TO ALL THE HATERS, JUST KEEP ON CALLLIN
-KIMO- | | |
| HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN PART II
1. Man forget trying to be yourself that shit never works hahahaha you have to become someone else! Look all women are crazy so why would you act normal to get them? Makes sense right, of course it does! So become someone your not if you aint rich you better act like you got money, if you ugly hahaha you better get a good Halloween Mask! And if you just straight up the stupidest guy ever! Then ill teach you the Egyptian Charm it never fails.
2. Look Chics love New Technology! So when you ask for her number type it in your calculator or Tv Remote control or even your belt when she asks what that is just say its a new protocol we are workin on at work call it the IG450t as long as it sounds high tech whats stopping it from not being high tech!! if that shit don't work just punch in the numbers on your palm of your hand and if she asks what your doing just say its "highly classified ahhahaahahh. ( Had to bring this one back from part I)
3. Look they also like guys who care about the environment and exercise so Im gonna show you how to knock out 3 birds with one stone, just listen! One you pick her up on your bike, you heard me a bike not a motorcycle! See right there you just knocked out 3 things!! One you saved the environment by not polluting, Two you got your daily exercise, Three you saved a whole lot of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico, hahaha just playin but you did save on your gas money! And what could be more romantic than a bike ride through the hood? Hahahahahah
4. Very Simple let me break it Down. Moon walk = Getting girls. There is nothing more satisfying to a women then a man who can do the Moon Walk! Like I went on a date and we went to this really expensive restaurant and she was all excited. But I didn’t make reservations so when I got there they would not let me in! So I moonwalked my ass back outside. See if I were to just walk out, then I would have been a loser and a Nobody and she would have left me in a heart beat! But since I did the moonwalk and people started cheering me on and I made a classy scene I showed her I still had class and I took her to McDonalds and she was happy.
5. Man the ladies dig a guy who is dangerous and important. So listen when your with her set your alarm on your watch or have someone call you at a specific time! When you pick up act surprised and look really really serious and say things like “What do you mean he got away” and “Don’t move ill be there in 10mins” when you hang up make sure you say “Roger That” or “10-4 copy that” then look around like to the left and right and hang up! Then get up from whatever your doing apologize to her for having to have to leave so soon leave money for a cab and run off and tell her you will explain later! Cause when you call her you can make up the most intense story! Say something like you were saving a cat from a tree, or you had to help a lady in the mall give birth to her child hahahahahaha you make it up and see what works for you.
6. 2. You need to purchase a Cape for yourself think about it how many guys in Capes get chics! (Batman, Superman, Dracula, Rick James etc...) Whats hotter than walkin up in the club with a cape you will be the center of attention. (From Part I)
7. Chics love famous guys or guys who are always on Demand. So this is what you do go to a place with lots of chics like a beach, park, or club something like that. Have your friends or someone just takin pics of you while you chill, or even have someone like with a fake video camera, interviewing you. I guarantee made chics will be comin over to see who you are. Even see if you can paint your car with pics of you all over it, sort of like a Tour Bus!!
8. What chic does not love Kids? And who deals with kids the most? I can answer that in 3 words SCHOOL BUS DRIVER! That’s right any girl would love to see a man take care of kids and who does it better than a elementary school bus driver. You could go on a date and tell her about all the fun and adorable kids you meet. Now I said tell her your stories never bring her on the bus. Cause you no damn right your gonna be yelling at those little bastards I mean its in your blood your Arab! Hahahahah but I tell you put up with those mutants and you got yourself more women then you can handle!
9. A man in uniform never fails! But listen forget the cop and fireman and navy uniforms that shit is played out, women are getting tired of that instead try new and exciting jobs like the following. How cool would it be if you came to dinner in a Scuba diving outfit, or come over to her parents house with a Karate outfit on (make sure there is blood on the outfit so you have a fake story to tell) and last but not least go in as a Ex-convict with that bright ass orange outfit what woman would not like a man who is on Death Row!!
GET BACK AT ME
-KIMO- | | |
| SWEATY MOMENTS THAT PEOPLE EXPERIENCE
(if you don't know what a sweaty moment is, this list will help you understand)
1. You are walking and you see someone waving at you, so you think you are cool and you wave back but that person was waving to the person behind you! You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
2. Your in a big group of people having a good ass time, then someone comes up to you and tells you that you have stinky ass breath or you smell like shit hahaha your confidence goes so low!! And everyone laughs at you. You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
3. You are with your parents somewhere and a random girl or guy comes up to you and hugs you infront of your parents and they are just lookin at you. You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
4. You are at a Dinner Party and you are getting your food and you accidently drop a glass cup and break it, and everyone stops and looks at you in disgust and the owner of the house is trying to smile but deep down they want to beat your ass. You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
5. You are going on a long ass road trip and you are packed in the back seat sitting by a fat smelly person that spills his drink all over you and now you have sticky ass hands for the next 6 hrs of the trip and you have to smell his ass farts. You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
6. You study so hard for a test and your friend does absolutely nothing and when you get your test back you get a F and they somehow got a A hahahaha. You have just experienced a sweaty moment. ( same thing goes for when they cheat off you and then they get a higher grade!! i hate that shit)
7. When you try to act all big infront of someone, for example trying to protect your girlfriend then you get your ass beat and everyone sees it hahahah! You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
8. Trying to chill outside but there are all these flies everywhere and mosquitos the size of watermelons biting you and its hot as hell! And you have sand on your hands and you can't rub your itchy eyes! You have just experienced a sweaty moment. ( I have just described a beach trip in Egypt)
9. When you fart in class and it stinks really really bad and then some people start to think it was you and start to whisper and point in your direction and you start to panic! You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
10. When your at a Restaurant and your with a huge group and everyone orders and your food never comes out and you try to tell the waiter but he is too busy and you just have to sit and watch everyone eat hahahahaha. You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
11. When you are talking with someone who is not funny at all and they keep trying to be funny and you have to keep FAKE laughing and at one point you can't do it anymore and you just stare at them. You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
12. When you get something brand new like clothes, shoes, haircut, car and you think its the best thing ever and then someone is like man thats shit is gay as hell hahahaha i hate that person man they always ruin my dreams! You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
13. When you are with a group of people and someone is makin a joke and everyone is adding on to the joke then you try to add on to it and its the stupidest thing ever and no one laughs and one guy gets pissed as hell that you messed up the joke!! and wants to fight you You have just experienced a sweaty moment.
Dedicated to Lady S
KIMO
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|  | Currently Playing
Amore: Romantic Italian Love Songs
By Eduardo di Capua, Salvatore Cardillo, Ernesto de Curtis, Luigi Denza, Gaetano Donizetti, Friedrich von Flotow, Umberto Giordano, Ruggero Leoncavallo, Giacomo Puccini, Gioachino Rossini
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WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT AT A ARAB WEDDING
1. There is always one relative or one guest whose dancing is just out of control!! Like in the begining everyone is like damn this dude can dance!! but after 5 mins you realize this man is out of control and can cause serious injuries to those who are near him LOOOOL (my boy Odeh reminded of this one hahahaha!!)
2. Then theres the person who everyone is wondering who the hell dressed them!! Like a lady with a bright yellow or orange dress with flowers everywhere and a pound of make-up hahahah or a guy wearing a suit with no under shirt and no tie and a gold chain and his hair slicked back!! These people could or can be the out of control dancers!!
3. How about the people who eat more than once and help themselves to 2nds and 3rds and even take some home with them hahahahahah Like your mom will take the candy on the tables and put it in her purse hahahahah
4. The, "I must get this picture of the bride and groom even if i have to kill you guy" hahahahahahaahha This is the camera man who does whatever it takes to get that fabolous picture of the wedding!! He will push you out of the way, hit you with his camera, step on your head to get higher, jump on your back, get under your table, he will tap you on the shoulder and ask you politely and if you ignore him you will be dead in less then 10mins, he will do it all!!! hahaahahahahahah
5. Then theres the famalies who bring uninvited guests or all 8 of their kids who all look like they just got out of soccer practice!! See man these people take away from the glamour of the wedding hahahaah WHEN IT SAYS NO KIDS ALLOWED JUST PLEASE FOLLOW IT AND WHEN IT SAYS YOU MUST BE ON THE LIST FOLLOW IT!!! HAHAHAHAHA
6. Or how about the one American family that gets invited and has no idea of what the hell is going on!! All they hear is these women who are yelling loud as hell with their tongues and guys dancing in a big ass circle!! And they just have to sit and watch and be very afraid!! hahahahahahahahaaha
7. Then theres the Guy who cannot keep up in the Debkha dance!! hahahah he is slowing down the circle and trying to count his steps!! And keeps breakin the circle!! (its usually a egyptian guy im not gonna lie i broke a lot of circles hahahahaahha!! but it was not my freakin fault!!)
8. Then theres always someone who does not understand when the wedding is over and is the last to leave and keeps on dancing even in the parking lot!!! LOOK MAN THE WEDDING IS DONE GO HOME AND GET A LIFE!! hahaahah cause i swear one time i was at this wedding and i came back like 2 weeks later and i saw the same guy lying on the road infront of the hotel trying to clap his hands but he was so worn out from trying to dance for 2 weeks after the wedding, he just could not do it! but i still have to give him props for trying!!
9. Then you have the 40yr old arab pimp who is trying to mack on all the ladies at the wedding!! But everyone knows hes a loser and tries to avoid him when he starts to approach you! Hes the same guy who probaly is wearing a suit with no undershirt! And he tries to hang out with you after the wedding!! But hes freakin 40 YRS OLD!! seriously who is that guy!!
10. Or the relative that you have not seen in like 30 yrs but looks exactly the same hahahahaaha!! They don't age or get fatter or anything they just stay exactly the same!! And know one knows how.
HOLLA AT ME....
KIMO | | |
| NEW LOWS FOR KIMO HAHAHAHAAHAH!!
Now ive done some stupid things in my life. Actually ive done a lot of stupid things in my life but this time i really topped myself. Well it all went down like this. It was about 2am and im on the phone with sarah and were talkin and chillin and everything was running real smooth as usual. Then like for some reason i stick my ring and middle fingers in like this dresser handle. And they get STUCK!! but at this point im not really worried about it cause i think i can get them out easily. So me and sarah we keep talkin and the whole time im like listening and trying to get my fingers out of the dresser handle, But they will not freakin come out! So at this point i interupt sarah and im like hold up my fingers are stuck in this dresser. And at first she was like aight just pull them out and im like im trying and she wasn't worried at all she was just laughin about it! But 30mins later this is where things got alittle serious! Now I had to take my friend to the airport at 5am and I had a 8am exam!!! So i needed to get out of this quicklyl cause it was like 3am now! So i started to panic! So Sarah was like yo just lick your fingers or spit on them and see if that can loosen them up! So i tried it and it did not work. So she said take out the dresser and go to the sink, but the dresser would not come out! It was stuck on some metal part in the back of the desk. So those options were out! Now im in my attic and its extremely hot up here so i started to get really hot and stuffy and just lyin here under the desk just sittin and talkin with Sarah! And another thing that really was gettin annoying was that on my computer i had that Imagine song by John Lennon playin on repeat and it kept goin and i could not stop it cause i was too far from the computer. So picture this Me sitting in my hot ass attic, fingers stuck in a dresser handle, and John Lennon playin on repeat. I had my fingers stuck in there for about a good 3 hrs!!!!! Just sitting here and thinkin how much of an idiot i am! Now Im just glad that Sarah was on the phone with me cause when she was not i was just sitting here goin crazy!!!!! So i needed to get out of this by 5am and get to the airport and get to my exam! So at this point it was extremely hot so what i did I took the sweat from my armpits and wiped it on my fingers and it worked!!! hahahahahaah LOOK I KNOW ITS NASTY BUT SOMETIMES DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES!! and i was not about to spend the rest of my life in the attic listening to John Lennon!!! So after 3 hrs of being trapped in the attic i finally escaped!! Oh yea hahahah one of Sarah's ideas was to unscrew the screws in the back of the handle, so i was like what do i use shes like a Pen! im like a pen great idea!! so i take the pen and looked at the screws and realized that was not gonna do a damn thing!! And another option was to pick up the desk and i was like yea i can do that, then i realized that i only had one hand to work with! hahahaahahah!! Then i was like Sarah i got it!! She was liek what! Im like ill take my shirt off! and shes like Kareem what is that gonna do? and im like I have no idea hahahahaha i was gettin desperate hahaahahahhah!!
P.S the moral of this story is be careful where you put your fingers cause sometimes they will go in but they will not come out! cause if you look at your fingers they get fatter as you go lower so just be careful with that hahahahahahaahha. And you know when you do something really stupid like i have this urge to try it again hahahaha but im not!! but i have a feelin i will do it again just to see hahahahaahah
KIMO | | |
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